The Seven Deadly Sins Of Motherhood...And How I Committed Them All In 7 Weeks
From our lovely guest Blogger and New Mum Sparkles & Stretchmarks...
As a first time mum-to-be I promised myself that I would not fall into the ParentTrap that so many of my friends had been sucked in to over the years.
"You'll never find me walking around the house like a zombie still wearing my pjs at 4pm, while the kids are Tarzan-ing off the curtains" I promised myself.
"Co-sleeping?! Pffft! I don't think so!" I snorted to myself, pitying all these weak-minded mothers who had given up their right to enjoy a full nights sleep without little feet sticking in their backs just to pacify their little darlings....
I gave pitying glances to mothers in supermarket car parks, visibly at their wits end as they battled with toddlers who seemed to have super human strength as they fought against being put into their car seats...."MY child will never behave like that" I assured myself as I patted my baby bump.
Oh yes....I knew it all. I had it all figured it out and NONE of these dreadful fates would befall me in motherhood....
Its funny how easy it is to be so sure of your amazing mothering abilities before your little one has arrived....
Its funnier still how quickly all of those ideals go right out of the window once motherhood actually descends.....
I am only 7 weeks into life as a mother, and I am absolutely astounded at the number of self-imposed Golden Rules Of Motherhood I have already broken.
Here is my list of the Seven Deadly Sins Of Motherhood - and the spectacular ways in which I have gone against every single one of them in just 7 short weeks.
1. Thou Shalt Not Co-Sleep
Every piece of literature on safe sleeping that you ever read as a new mother warns against the dangers of co-sleeping. So why would anybody ever want to ever consider it?! This is what I wondered while I was pregnant.
Now I know exactly why people consider it - because after a few weeks of living with a newborn, all you want in the world is just a few short hours of precious sleep!!
Of course the safety of your baby is the most important thing in the world - and thats what makes co-sleeping all the more fun!!
Because not only do you find yourself in a strange kind of half-sleep because you're so concerned with ensuring that the duvet and pillows are nowhere near the baby (and consequently, nowhere near you either....), and making sure that you're sleeping in a position that Cirque Du Soleil would be in awe of to make sure that you cannot possibly end up laying on the baby....
But on top of this, you are so consumed with guilt and shame that your need for sleep has seen you succumb to the temptation of sharing your bed with your baby that your poor, sleep-deprived, terror-ridden brain cannot possibly allow you to drift off...
But while you have been trying to - that tiny little person you have now introduced to the comfort of your nice big bed has decided that he LIKES this arrangement, and he will no longer be settling down to sleep ANYWHERE else.... Oh the joy.
2. Thou Shalt Not Cuddle Too Much
"I'll never be one of these people who sits all night long cuddling their baby" I remember snorting to myself, after coming away from visiting my friend and her new baby daughter...."How can they not expect the baby to get used to it?! Why not just put it down?!"
I now know the answer to this. Not only is it very very difficult to be left in a room with what you consider to be the cutest living thing on the planet and NOT pick it up and cuddle it all night long....but once you have got up and down 45 times in the space of 30 minutes to keep checking that its breathing or popping its dummy back in after its spit it out and is crying for it yet again, you soon decide that actually - its just easier all round to bloody well keep hold of it.
3. Thou Shalt Not Spoil The Child With Gifts
"I'll only buy him things when he needs them - he's got loads of clothes, he won't need anything else until he's about 6 months old" I promised my partner before the birth...Now, each time I return home from...well...pretty much anywhere really, as I greet my partner - bags bursting at the seams full of baby clothes, toys he can't even play with yet, etc etc - I can taste those words in my mouth.
But come on - does it really count if they're on a special offer?! And well...they're CUTE!!!
4. Thou Shalt Not Be An Over-Anxious Mother
Having spent some time in A & E departments over the course of my ever-dramatic pregnancy, I had seen countless over-anxious parents cradling their little ones and fretting endlessly over the tiny scratches on their fingers...and once again, I promised myself that would never be me.
So imagine my surprise when at just 6 weeks post-partum, I found myself sitting in the A & E department of my local hospital with Tyne....only to be sent home 4 hours later (!!) after being told that his "Monstrous allergic reaction to a baby cream" (as per my report to my partner via panicked text message) was in fact.....cradle cap.
5. Thou Shalt Not Seek Advice From Others On Every Single Issue
"I'm a qualified Nanny....I can make all of my own decisions about whats best for this baby, I won't be needing loads of advice anyway" I told my sister when she
warned me to expect endless interference from our Mother and Aunts....
Its funny how the ear-shattering screams of an infant can suddenly render your brain completely void of prior knowledge....
6. Thou Shalt Not Overshare Cutesy Baby Photos & Anecdotes On Social Networking Sites
Oh we've all got them on our Friends lists....those overly proud parents who insist on shoving endless photos of their offspring down our throats as if we've never
seen a baby before.
"I am NOT going to be one of those people who only ever talks about their kid - I've got other things in my life to talk about that are far more interesting!"
Well....I think each and every one of my Facebook friends and Twitter followers would be more than happy to verify how spectacularly I've obliterated this one.....them and my new Instagram friends....an account designed purely for the purpose of sharing photos quickly and easily which I acquired when my son was around 2 days old....Hey, those photos are just TOO cute not to shove in everybody's faces!!!
and the biggest one of all....
7. Thou Shalt Not Covet Other Peoples Perfect Babies
I always hated those parents who would look in disdain at their own children and talk wistfully about their friends child who sleeps straight through the night/always says please & thank you without being reminded/invented gravity.....
"They should just be proud of their own kids, how sad for the children"...I thought to myself....However upon hearing about my friends baby who slept through the night at just 5 weeks old.....after our most recent fun-filled weekend of no sleep whatsoever....I have to say, I did have a sudden onset of the green-eyed monster as I looked at my own child and wondered "Why are you deliberately trying to break me?!"
Of course now what I hate more than people wishing their own kids would behave like other peoples, is the people in possession of those perfectly behaved, sound sleeping, gravity-inventing children...
I'm pretty sure they're all liars, anyway......
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